Garbage Games – The Future
As conjured up on the Grapevine’s Ouija Board Channel
After sixteen meetings, and a one hundred thousand dollar feasibility study, the metropolis of Inglis, Florida has adopted a new approach to solid waste management.
In an effort to continue the popular version of “no mandatory garbage collection” the following town sponsored events will be initiated at the earliest practical date. Mayor, Bill “Taxmaven” Monteverde, made the announcement from the top of his personal 20 yard dumpster, located in the front yard of his canal front estate. Afterwards, two hundred turkey buzzards had to be shooed away so the mayor could back his motor home out of the driveway. The vultures have been designated as the town bird and Monteverde’s front yard as a vulture haven.
Inglis has decided to initiate a campaign to support community values. A survey will be made each month by the town’s Beautification Committee, chaired by Michael Andrew “Junk Yard” White. A different road will be selected each time and the committee will judge properties to determine the current Yard of the Month. Selection for the award will be based on an intricate, scored basis. First, the top ten will be determined by the number of derelict vehicles within the property boundaries. Bonus points apply to the number in the front yard. Next, boat hulls. If they’re stacked, once again, bonus points. Additional bonus points applied for three or more pit bulls chained in the yard, and double points if they’re running loose. In addition to the “Yard of the Month” recognition, the winner receives an award of a 55 gallon burn barrel and one gallon of sulfuric acid. The acid is for pouring into the garbage pit out back. It also kills “bad stuff” in the shallow well water.
Garbage Disposal Lottery:
A weekly drawing for a turn at slinging weighted, plastic, garbage bags into the river at Redneck Beach. Winners determined by biggest and heaviest bag thrown ten yards or more. Award? Free membership in the Night Riders club. They’re locally famous for riding our coastal roads after dark, and slinging garbage bags into the marsh.
Last But Not Least - - - The Big Corn Hole Game
Contestants must stand in the back of a pickup trunk and sling the most leaf bags full of garbage ten yards into a log enclosure measuring ten feet square. The bags must weigh at least ten pounds and the time limit is five minutes. At the monthly “We Showed You ” celebration, put on by the Gang of Five entertainment division, winners will be entered in a drawing to see who gets to put the lipstick on the pig that night.
Looks like garbage has a great future here in Inglis. Gang of Five we couldn’t do it without you ! And don’t forget. Feeling bored and lonely? Get on the phone, or better yet, go down to town hall and harass the staff. There are bonus points, here too, for most abuse and disrespect. Be sure and slam the door when you leave. It’s a tradition.
If you’d like to join the Gang of Five, a membership application is available at the Gang’s clubhouse. Weekly meetings of the Gang of Five sect are held in a remodeled school bus. It sits on the side of the road in front of White’s famous dump site on CR 40.
Riddle Of The Week
Thanx go out to my newest fan, and BFF, the Taxmaven, for sharing this intriguing puzzle. In all fairness, I don’t think that he knows what it means.
What is a Quiet Deed? No, it is not a real estate instrument. Even though Taxmaven, thinks it is. Besides, that would be tooooo easy. If you look in your Grapevine Thesaurus under Monteverde, this is what you’ll find:
A "quiet deed" is what a silent partner gets when he eats too many prunes and becomes "prudent".
Stay tuned. There is just so much to share.