Boudreaux & Little Big Man's Descendant
My best bud, Boudreaux Barrineau called me last Saturday and left a message, “Rednak, you ain’t goin’ to believe what the next door neighbor has done now.” I knew which “next door neighbor” we were talkin’ about by the tone of voice and the elevating degree of excitement evident in Boudreaux’s announcement.
The neighbor in question is the complete package. He and his friends excel in matters of the category Dumb Ass. In the small town where he lives he is the originator of more emergency responses than all the rest for the community combined. He is the perfect nominee for Looney Toon of the year. . . Back to Boudreaux.
I called back, “Okay, Boo, what’s he done now?
“Look, don’t get cute. You’re the one who called me.” I wasn’t in the mood.
“You know that cobbled together barn-shop, thing he built last summer?”
I answered “Yes”. I’d seen it and thought, after approaching to within ten feet, A good strong wind would be a gift from above and probably save Dr. No’s life. It looked like bush people had thrown it together. And, also looked like a piece of modern kid’s sculpture that was destined to fall in on itself at any minute. I called him Dr. No, in conversation, because when you asked him if he wanted any advice, he always said “No” and it was evident by what he produced, he’d been saying “No” for one long ass time.
Boudreaux proceeded to describe to me the latest. It seems that Looney had been out in his shop ripping lumber with a chainsaw when he saw a couple of large spiders trying to procreate. Every spider he saw was a recluse. He obviously didn’t know why they were called recluse spiders. That would take a few moments of reflection. And, time was not wasted in this one’s life. He was the whirling dervish of cataclysmic events. He quit using the nice table saw because a mouse had distracted him one day and he cut the tip of his left thumb clean off. The next morning he came home from Walmart with two dozen mouse traps and a one pound block of Muenster cheese. “I’m gonna show them little bastards!” Waving a trap in the air, in the clutch of his “boxer” style wrapped hand, he hollered at Boo who was standing in the driveway.
He managed to catch the family cat, two squirrels, and the tail of a hapless mouse. Picking up one trap to move it he caught himself. To this day the traps are still lined along the wall of the shop and after six month’s or so, all the Muenster has disappeared.
Back to the recluse spiders. Boudreaux says that last week he was in his backyard and Mr. Toons was outside his metal workshop painting a piece of baseboard with a spray can of blue enamel. He was holding the baseboard in one hand and the spray can in the other—up in the air at eye level. He was facing into the breeze. He sprayed the narrow trim board with broad strokes and the paint spray was blowing in his face enough that he was blinking his eyes and spitting the paint that was covering his tongue. He’s a mouth breather. Now that’s concentration. If you’ve ever had a snoot full of spray paint you know the consequences. At any rate he waved Boudreaux over to the fence and shouted that he had the solution to the recluse spiders. He also said that he’d discovered in his research that the local recluse spiders didn’t have the deadly bite that their northern cousins had. The guy at the hardware store told him that, and sold him insect bombs to cure the infestation. His proof was the five hundred sand gnat bites on his lower legs that he swore were baby recluses.
Boudreaux would find out later that he set three bombs off in the twelve by twenty two foot shop that afternoon. The shop had garage doors. He did close them after activating the bombs. Boo became aware that something big was occurring next door when he let the dog out and was overcome by a chemical cloud of mist that took his breath away and made his eyes cross. Toons had set up an industrial fan in front of the garage doors and the fan was blowing the insecticide gas directly into Boudreaux’s back yard.
Boo said that the next day the stink was still overpowering. He got a towel to cover his face and went to the fence as Looney came stumbling out of the shop. “You need to turn that damn fan away from my yard!” Boo said he shook his fist too, but Dr. Strangelove appeared to be in a catatonic state.
The following day Boo went out with his painters mask on and surveyed the two yards. There were six blue jays and a mocking bird scattered on the ground under his magnolia. Two squirrels, an armadillo, a possum and fourteen of the smartest mice in the county lay dead in front of ground zero. Looney’s other neighbor found his six laying hens deader than dirt in their pen. He hadn’t gotten the downwind warning of the chemical assault until today. He was pissed and screaming. Looney stayed inside.
Boo said that yesterday the Fire Chief showed up and declared the barn-shop a biohazard. That evening the local TV station had their satellite truck in front of Mr. Toon’s house. After the six o’clock news traffic was steady as townspeople rode by and took pictures of the “Danger! Bio Hazardous Quarantine” sign with the skull and crossbones. Some got out of the car and had their pictures taken at the sign and some jumped from their cars and ran to the sign to take a selfie or two.
Today, the jasmine along the fence that separated Toon’s yard from Boo’s was dead and gone. No sweet smell left, only the acrid smell of local mustard gas. Boo’s headache was gone though. Looney Toon was nowhere to be found.
Boudreaux said he couldn’t imagine how the patented dumb bell would be able to top this week’s event. I figure it will be an excuse for a big party. So, there you have the makin’s for a great climatic happening. I told Boudreaux he should video this one.
Time for a musical interlude:
Earl Scruggs & Company
A message from Dr. Ben Carson
If you've been following the latest "controversy" over my comments about Islam, you know the arrows are out for me.
I will need your help to push back, but I want you to know exactly where I stand. These are my beliefs and I will not back down:
Many parts of Sharia Law are not compatible with the U.S. Constitution. Under Sharia, homosexuals -- men and women alike -- must be killed. Women must be subservient. And people following other religions must be killed as well.
There are many peaceful Muslims who do not adhere to these beliefs. But until these tenets are fully renounced I cannot advocate any Muslim candidate for President.
I also can't advocate supporting Hillary Clinton for President by the way.
Because I shared my honest opinion, I've come under intense fire from the media, nearly every leading Democrat, and even some of my Republican peers.
The Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) has called for me to drop out of the presidential race, saying I am "unfit to lead."
I will not back down -- but I need your help to push back right now.
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Right on the Money
Here's some smarts for you
Looney Toon's Asian Cousin
Muddy Waters and Company- Bye Bye Blues
Thanx for stoppin' By. Enuff Said - - Thanx