The headline in the local Fishwrapper: July 27, 2016- Canoe Capsizes in Rainbow River, critically injuring two people.
The Rest of the Story (Thank you, Paul)
Four Guatemalans set out on a perilous journey three weeks prior to the above incident. This adventure began at Abel’s Marina Boatyard on the Dulce River, in Guatemala. The natives purchased an old Mohawk fiberglass canoe, four life jackets, and four paddles for 98 quetzals -- $13 US.
For months they trained in the river. Their leader Margarito wanted to enter the Rio Olympics in the rowing competition and they practiced every day in a dugout canoe. She decided they would paddle to the Miami where the TV stations would pick up their story and the International Olympic Committee would be so impressed they would provide them with a proper racing shell and Nike boat shoes. They took along a large Guatemalan national flag that Margarito’s husband Lazaro, had filched, one night from the front yard of the capital building in Guatemala City, four years ago.
She knew they would proudly walk the national flag at the Rio de Janeiro opening ceremony. The country only has one other team entered. That is in Fencing. This team had a slow start on preparation. They were known for their expertise for miles around their village. Stories were told at gatherings about their athletic prowess and finesse. Granted Benito and Jerome (Ben & Jerry) were a little confused regarding the Olympics, also. They were the best fence builders in goat country. Despite their slightly misplaced understanding, they had an inside track to seeing the Olympics anyway. Jerome was the nephew of El Presidente and the weight of the presidential office was brought to bear on the courageous aspirations of these two competitors. They were given prized weapons from the National Museum. The president presented both with swords. One, the president exclaimed, had belonged to Simon` Boulevard. They were given flags on small sticks. They too were outfitted with Nike boat shoes.
Margarito had been inspired by their story. There was a slight difference between the two, however. The government sent Ben & Jerry to Rio in March. They rode the bus. By water was more Grecian, Margarito said.
The four Guatemalans set off under sail, on the outgoing tide. The large flag was rigged to catch the wind. They arrived at Playa Del Carmen on the Yucatan, Mexico four days later. They panhandled money on the beach and purchased two liters of Mountain Dew, and a bag of Tostones. A good Samaritan gave them a five-gallon bucket to bail with when needed. Three turistas took pictures as they shoved off the beach. Catching the wind and lots of flying fish at night they made landfall in twenty-four hours. It was Cuba instead of Venezuela, Lazaro told a reporter later. A Cuban gunboat came out to greet them. The sailors with automatic weapons tossed them a bleach bottle full of fresh water and pointed north as they repeated in Spanish over and over again, Key West! Key West! . . . Cay Oeste!
Two weeks later, on the night of a new moon, they saw a blinking red light on the horizon. They paddled in synch with the makeshift sail pulling them closer so slowly. The bucket was half full of rainwater and the bottom of the canoe was covered in flying fish scales. They made the river on the incoming tide. For a while, they rested in the current as the canoe headed inland. They began to hear a muffled roar upriver and as dawn brought the first light the roar was identified as they rounded a bend now paddling against the current. Lazaro told another reporter that Margarito told them that her cousin Roberto, in Miami, had failed to mention rapids up the Miami River. “So like him. The one thing I remember about him as a child. He’s slow.”
They were forced to leave the river and portage the canoe for a mile along the highway. In the daylight cars passing on CR 40 would honk as they went by. Four sets of legs under a moving upside down canoe was a road worthy novelty for Inglis commuters. They took the first drive they came to and soon put into Lake Rousseau. That afternoon they panhandled some more money and bought two-day old hotdogs at Yafir’s convenience store in Dunnellon. Finally, they arrived at the headwater springs of the Rainbow River. Margarito deduced that they had taken a wrong turn. Lazaro told a reporter that she wanted to go back to Yafir’s and ask directions. On the way back downriver they rounded a bend of the Rainbow and the canoe rolled. The paddlers were exhausted. They had set a world record of 988.33 miles trans-Caribbean . . . paddling. No comment from the IOC. When they fell out of the canoe that was the rest of the story for two of them.
The following day, Donald Trump announced that export of canoes would be stopped completely to Central America. He also suggested that NATO must provide naval assistance for a blockade to stop this insidious invasion. Four canoes were shipped to Guatemala from the Orlando offices of Mohawk Enterprises in the last year.
Trump told a reporter, “They should keep their goods inside our borders instead of giving our good products to foreigners without a stiff tariff to wake them up.”
Hilary Clinton told the DNC, “Mr. Trump, tear down this wall. Boat People. The future of a Great America.”
One of those photographs along with a record of an exchange between Castro, who won the competition, and Hemingway, who awarded him the trophy: “‘I am a novice at fishing,’ said Fidel. ‘You are a lucky novice,’ replied Ernest.”
Cool Stuff from Bobby McFerrin
Hijacking the boat wake
Conchs and Cubans - Thanx Tommy Sholes
Iron Man = FeMale
My book The Rednak Chronicles went on sale today at Amazon.
Click Here to take a look.
The Republic. How strong is it? History shows us that we’ve had some crackpots in the White House before. Two recently, Nixon and Clinton. The latter, about to repeat. Thank God, he’ll only be allowed to run the halls and hang out in the basement bowling alley. However, the doctrine of separation of power held sway and so we as a nation were supposed to be insulated from their dalliances, larceny, and crack-bush behavior. The Constitution is an interesting instrument. Use it the way it was intended and it will serve us all, and probably save us. However, Hope & Change showed us how to trample all over executive privilege. And now the wanna-bees have a blueprint for dictatorship.
Now comes the scary stuff. What if? If you hold it over your head that list drags the floor. So, in protest you’re going to crap away your vote? It would be better to not vote at all than to encourage the fringe operators to hang around. Have you watched and listened to this bazinga Gary Johnson? He’s mellow. So mellow his gills don’t move. Shoulda, coulda, and would’ve. A write in campaign. How about Phillip Seymour Hoffman? If elected he’d be the first dead president not worth anything. Then there is the Socialist Party USA, The Socialist Equality Party, and The Socialist Worker’s Party. This is what you get with open borders. Now, there’s a slate of cabinet appointees for the Donkey Party. There are at least 100 candidates for president registered on their state ballots or as write-ins. Clark Gable works ( or lives) in the wax museum in St. Augustine. His motto: “Frankly, my dear . . . I don’t give a rat’s ass.” Hillary June Clinton is running on the Pole Dancer’s platform out of Immokalee, Florida. Her pole is a greased street lamp. She’s a tad large. Cheeky, too.
Trump platform additions: Free modelling school for airheads with foreign accents. No exam real estate licenses for anybody who pays $6,000 dollars . . . . . . . . . . . . . . down. Greens fees paid for abortion doctors. Groupon coupons for fetal body parts. That wall thing. Modeled after the Great Wall of China, will have viewing towers where successful illegals can throw dollars at those left behind. By the way, this wall will serve two purposes. One to keep them out. Two- to keep us in. I was channeling Kurt Vonnegut the other night and he said, “So it goes.”
A final piece of sage advice from my buddy Boudreaux. “If you’re gonna be a shit kicker, learn to clog.”
That’s enuff said.
Finally. A muslim speaks out about the hypocrisy of Islam
The new Hunger Games
A mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and out of the house on the other side of the street. First, they see two people going into the house. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house. The physicist says the measurement wasn’t accurate. The biologist says they have reproduced. The mathematician says that if exactly one person enters the house, it will be empty again.
Why does a man name his penis?
Because he doesn't want a total stranger making 90% of his decisions. Redditt
I*’ll Fly Away -
Tommy Emanuel - Make My Day! Click Here
Boudreaux called me the other night and reminded me of our “brother” in country-life happenings, Billy Dean, who had a Jack Russell named Apeshit. There were times when the name was a perfect fit. I said he was a Jack Russell, didn‘t I? He went everywhere with Dean. If we were standing in the kitchen waiting for the clock to find daylight, talking about where to hunt, the dog would go to the door and lie down and wait for us to head out. Once in the truck, he stayed in the truck until we got back home. The Treisters had the biggest John Deere money could buy. The cab set four feet off the ground. It was air-conditioned. Apeshit lived in the Deere if he wasn’t in the trailer. I do not know how he got up in that cab. Dean said that I didn’t want to know.
There were times when I hated that dog.
He loved the women. When girls would show up at the farm, Apeshit was the welcoming party of one. His tail vibrated so hard it made his butt shake. He’d get all bashful and approach slowly, often crawling. “How cute!” was the standard feminine assessment. This was just one of his multiple personalities, by the way. When he got to them he’d lick their ankles and excitedly roll over between their feet and show them his erection. Then . . . when the hapless female reached down and put hands on the dog he would, in turn, stand up with his forepaws on their knee. More licking. Then the jumping started. Up and down, up and down. Licking wherever the tiny tongue touched flesh. The girls invariably did the same damn thing – every time. One hand on top of the other they would cover their crotch and giggle mindlessly. This only encouraged the dog until the victim began running around the yard while trying to keep her knees together. At that point, Apeshit would change tactics and attack from the backside. Up and down, up and down. Butt cheeks. Finally, still giggling, the girls would start screaming for Dean.
Yes, I hated that dog.
On Weekends We Play Redneck Horseshoes
The First and Third Saturdays of July and August are the Owl Hoot Swamp Games and Shit Kick Concert. Big Uns toss the dwarf. The local chiropracter met his wife here. He's a dwarf, too. The regional Carolina Redneck Horseshoes tournament playoffs take place in the morning. Billie Dean has a stage built with a mud hole in front. Misters are made from hose nozzles and a 48" shop fan blows on the happy fans in the hole. A slew of black ankles topped by short shorts. By five o'clock no where else in South Carolina, will you find more than three hundred pickup trucks in one soybean field, at a time. When this started Dean told everybody he knew that this was supposed to be a secret. It worked.
- NewsweekCuba News & Commentary:
Six airlines have been approved to begin service to Cuba from Tampa International. Southwest is the most recent. Note in the article below that the Cuban Army owns all the tourist related businesses. Hmmmm?
Cuba braces for tourist invasion.
How Cubans Use the Internet – Miami Herald
Cubans make more than state statistics Indicate – Miami Herald
What you do to get ready to meet the 72 virgins
This week's musical smash:
Gus “Feather Bed” Cannon – 1928 Jug Stompers – Banjo Blues Legends
Well, it’s Tweedle Dee and the alternative ego Dum as the sure to crash and burn candidacy for the GOP’s dream team. Of course, now it is time to appoint the mouth of Wasila to some vaulted slot in the brain trust that will make us great again. Great What? Ask her. She’s full of brainless witticisms.
This time next year someone will think of the question: “And, what did this foolishness accomplish?” Answer: Two of the most dishonest people to have served in national public office will have transformed our country. Shudder to think.
God . . . Save us from ourselves.
The Price of Blah-Blah
The Donald must come up for air occasionally and so when he takes a gulp another gem of asinine-itus falls out of his mouth. Tariffs – that’ll show those economic Chinese and Mexican bandits. Hell yeah! 45% sounds good. Especially since 91% of Walmart’s products are made in China. Who’s going to pay this 45% surcharge?
Maersk Line has eight super container ships that carry up to 15,000 containers. Yes, fifteen thousand! They make it to our west coast four days faster, at 31 knots, than lesser vessels and half again as fast as their smaller cousins. Wally World sends the containers back empty so that their continuous flow is not interrupted. Walmart is not the only company using these behemoths. Maersk has now ordered eight “Monster” ships that have a capacity of 18,000 containers. These ships cannot pass through the Panama Canal because of their size. (Meanwhile, Nicaragua plans to displace 1.6 million of its citizens to build another canal that will accommodate the oversized ships – Pacific to Caribbean traffic. Trump says that if Ford built a plant in Mexico he would call the CEO of Ford Motor and tell him “we’re” going to tax every car, truck, and part manufactured that comes across the border with a 35% tax." I can imagine what the Ford Exec would say back.
You think the recession we just went through was bad? Ted Cruz called this delusional blah-blah what it is: “A tariff is a tax on you the American people.” Experts say that, imposing a tariff that interrupts the major supply chains of China and Mexico would result in a permanent reduction in U.S. annual income of more than 100 billion dollars. Recession? You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet. Trump loves a big show. Wait until he shoves this rocket up inflation’s rear. Greece is a joke compared to this – minuscule.
Hurry the convention starts in a month!
Trump Voters Park Here
Dr. Ralph Stanley – When I wake up to sleep no more
Georgia Tom and Tampa Red – You Can’t Get That Stuff No More